Socially awkward

Sometimes I wish I knew what it was like to do well in social situations and not make things completely weird. I’m the kind of person that can make a telemarketer or customer service representative feel so uncomfortable that it’s obvious they want to end the call. I think this is why I hate the phone. I never know what to say and what I probably shouldn’t say and while juggling between the two, I always seem to blurt out the random, things I never really intended to say. Then I feel the need to ask if I’m making things awkward and apologize for doing so, further making the situation uncomfortable. Meeting new people is just as awkward if not worse. Where do I look? What am I supposed to say? What do I do with my hands?  How long should I make eye contact before it becomes awkward? People are difficult to communicate with. Animals are so much easier. They don’t lie. They don’t pretend to be your friend and don’t judge you for being you because they have no use for that kind of behavior. Straight to the point. If they don’t like you, they will let you know.

Now that I sit here and write this, maybe it’s wrong to wish I could be “normal”. Not everybody knows how to interact with complicated, confusing humans and that’s okay.

I didn’t really get to a point here and now I’m not really even sure what point I was trying to make to begin with. Brain vomit.

I don’t know how to end this…

well, this is awkward so…

I’ve said awkward 6 times.




Don’t judge me.


What is the earliest dream you can remember?

I have always remembered dreams as well as memories from reality. Dreams and reality for me have always kind of been mashed together. Maybe that’s why I remember such vivid details. Who knows?


Anyway, the  earliest dream I can remember was wen I was about 5 or 6. It was a setting in the middle of a dark, relatively calm ocean on an early afternoon. I wasn’t there, but I was watching everything happen from just a few feet above. A small group of people were on a fishing boat and it was known that a large shark was lurking. A woman with long hair was swimming back to the boat after fixing a buoy or something. The people in the boat saw the shark approaching and pulled out a pistol. The trigger was pulled, but instead of the bullet hitting the shark, it hit the woman straight between the eyes. The second that happened, everything was dead and silent. The water was completely still, the woman was frozen in place and as blood flowed from the woman’s wound, the entire sea darkened to a murky, frozen plain. Then I woke up.


This wasn’t a nightmare. It didn’t scare me at all, but it did make me think. Was it symbolism or a random collection of events possibly triggered by events that occurred that day? From conversations, a book, maybe a movie? Who knows. I don’t know what the dream meant, but it has been burned into my memory forever. Lots of dreams have. Some of them wonderful, others terrifying, but all of them vivid as a memory from reality. I wish I could live there sometimes. Maybe I do…