I didn’t sign up for this

I’ve noticed a pattern in my life when I want something too much and I begin to dream and think too much into the future;

It always winds up being a hard, painful lesson that I’m not too sure was necessary to begin with.

“Be careful what you wish for.” That phrase always confused me a little as a kid. I’d think to myself, ‘Why would anybody wish something that wasn’t a good thing to them? That’s just it. Quite often, it’s the things you want the most that you are not supposed to have yet. The things I want are basic. very simple, yet still too complicated for my life. It’s definitely been a roller coaster and I fucking HATE roller coasters. Okay, I don’t HATE them, I was just trying to add a little emphasis.

It feels like I’m a character in a video game and somebody is putting the things, that would make my life stable, just out of my reach while allowing me to believe that any day now, it’s going to get better. Then I get another curve ball. Of course I’m not waiting around for things to get better on their own, but I am struggling so much harder than I need to. I’m in Hell. Hell is very personal. Before I dwell too much on my disappointment, I’m going to pick a few sayings from Buddha to digest.

“Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment”

” You only lose what you cling to”

Those are my lessons.

Oh yeah! I have an account here!

You know what’s a little funny, but also stings a little? The realization, upon attempting to create an account, that I indeed have an account here that was created TWO years ago AND (here’s the kicker) I wrote two entries that I don’t even remember writing. Where do I go when I do these things? Sometimes, I feel like I do this to myself to fuck with me. Have you ever put something somewhere you normally never would and then lost it when you couldn’t remember what your hazy self did with it? It’s like there’s somebody else living in this body with me sometimes. Like I go away for a while and this other person covers for me. I’m not really sure how to feel about that. Life is weird. Scary, beautiful, tragic, crazy, present and weird.